Your Inner Critic
I was talking to a client the other day who struggles with perfectionism and how it can keep them from getting writing done. They described a mean inner voice that tells them everything they write sucks. In a different conversation, they’d mentioned some details about growing up with a parent who, to me, sounded like the clear source of this mean voice.
Everyone—writer or not—has an inner critical voice. We internalize our parents or caregivers. If they were good at building us up, modeling self-regulation, and mirroring us in developmentally healthy ways…well, great!
But maybe that was not the case. Maybe they directly criticized us or expected perfection, or maybe (as in my case) they were kind to us but we observed them being highly self-critical or fearful or anxious. Maybe the whole family was held to a rigidly religious standard. Sometimes it’s a grandparent who’s the critic, or a sibling. If we were bullied (by peers, teachers, coaches, or others), it might be that bully voice that gets a toehold.
Whatever the source, the voice doesn’t quiet down just because we grow up. And it seems to chime in whenever we’re the tiniest bit vulnerable to our own uncertainty about what we’re doing.
“Vulnerable and uncertain” is almost the default state of writing. If we’re not vulnerable (in the sense of keeping ourselves open to what wants to happen on the page vs. overdirecting or contriving it) and uncertain (because certainty cuts off possibilities and avoids risk), we’re probably not doing our best work.
So you can see how writing almost necessarily leaves space for that inner critical voice to speak. But what do we do about it when it’s keeping us from getting the words down?
Charles Whitfield, one of the pioneers of the idea of the inner child, wrote:
Our false self tends to be the “critical parent,” should we use transactional analysis script terminology. It avoids playing and having fun. It pretends to be “strong” or even “powerful.” Yet its power is only minimal or nonexistent, and it is in reality usually fearful, distrusting and destructive.
I’ve also read that when we let the inner critical parent or voice dominate us even though we’re now autonomous adults, it’s a form of self-abandonment.
I think the way through it is to identify that voice and remember it’s not coming from our true self, but a false one. We have to stand up to it internally to break the pattern of believing the voice and abandoning ourselves (and our writing time) to it.
When it happens to me, sometimes I talk back to it (in my head or even aloud). Sometimes I just turn it down and let it chatter in the background. You might have other approaches—journaling about it, joking about it, letting it have its say and then visualizing hitting “pause” on it until you get your writing time in.
For some of us, fighting isn’t the way and only seems to strengthen that voice. In that case, it might work to remember that it’s a conditioned, fearful response that’s probably just trying to protect you. You can thank it for that and send it on a well-deserved break while you get your writing done.
And remember that vulnerability and uncertainty might be your writing superpowers.
I recently started reading Refuse to Be Done: How to Write and Rewrite a Novel in Three Drafts by Matt Bell. It’s more of a reinforcement of what I already know than anything, but reinforcements are currently necessary.
Who’s doing #1000wordsofsummer? I’m planning on it. I want to use it to build momentum on a total rewrite of a project I actually started during #1000wordsofsummer in 2019. I have a whole 80,000-word
baddiscovery draft of it just waiting for attention.I’ve started to hear from readers of This Creative Life and I’m glad it’s hitting. Some quotes from my inbox:
“gave me a lot of new things to think about … as well as some reassurance/company”
“really helped me wrap my mind around not giving up”
“vulnerable, honest, and doesn’t pull punches”
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